Yesterday, I responded to an email question which expressed a common issue couples may face when using Natural Family Planning: the possibility of a fertile honeymoon and wedding night. If a couple has serious need to postpone pregnancy, this may mean abstaining for a while when they first get married. And let's face it: that idea is no fun.
So I talked about how lack of sex doesn't make a marriage invalid, in case that's a concern.
Today, I'm going to offer some resources and tips for praying about and navigating the question of abstinence during the honeymoon.
When it comes to particular devotions, habits, or other resources to help couples pray together through difficult times, I sort of feel like the best method is to fling spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks.
In other words: what works really well for one couple is not going to work well for another, so as the resident "resource person" my approach is to give you various ideas and let you sort out which ones are meaningful for you. This means that if any of these suggestions is clearly not helpful, you not only have my permission but you also have my wholehearted blessing to ignore it!
Now, let's fling some spaghetti:
"I'm engaged and worried about the fact that my new husband and I might not be able to consummate our marriage for nearly 3 weeks. And I cannot shake this horrible knowledge that our marriage isn’t valid, isn’t complete until then. I’m worried I will really just feel like a glorified roommate. I don’t know if you have any writings or resources that might assist in praying through this."
Ladies and gents, I've been working as a Natural Family Planning instructor for over ten years, and I cannot tell you how many engaged Catholic couples I've worked with who have wrestled with the idea of a sexless honeymoon. If you have discerned a serious reason to postpone pregnancy at the beginning of your marriage, I just want to let you know that you are not alone in feeling anxious, worried, or even angry that you might need to abstain on your wedding night or even all through the honeymoon.
So this message I received recently was not unique, in one sense, but I thought I'd take time to address it here in two parts:
1. Is an unconsummated marriage still valid?
2. Recommended resources to help you pray through this situation.
Part I: Validity
NERD ALERT! This may be more information than you ever wanted about marriage, but I'll serve it up anyway because I find it fascinating. I'm not a Canon Lawyer, so... I offer this without authority on the matter beyond my formal theological training. The reader can decide how much that is worth.
When it comes to Sacraments, we talk a lot about "validity." This is because Sacraments require specific forms and specific matter in order to effect their unique graces. Do we believe that God can work outside these specific forms and specific matter? YES! God is God. But, as a Church, we operate under the assumption that for ordinary circumstances, we need to follow particular guidance in order to be assured that the Sacrament has been effective.
So, what makes a marriage valid? What is needed for us to be assured that Sacramental marriage, has, in fact, been effected?
One of the concepts I’ve been wrestling with lately is how to assist couples who find the abstinence of NFP to be an impediment to their relationship. It’s no great secret that married people want to have sex with each other. And it’s a common criticism that NFP methods are a bad form of family planning because they rely on abstinence– which, by the way, is not very “natural.” I hear and understand and even appreciate these criticisms, because they challenge us in the NFP world to be honest with ourselves and with our clients. Without being heavy-handed about it, I try to prepare my engaged clients for the fact that abstinence within marriage can be harder than abstinence prior to marriage. If they choose to abstain from sex before marriage, they have effectively drawn an invisible barrier which they both promise not to cross, or to even approach too closely. But within marriage, this dynamic shifts– so I coach my couples that they will need to be intentional about communicating with one another early on in their marriage, as they discover new things about how they relate to each other sexually, and where those shifting boundaries may now be.
So I was struck recently when I heard a few nutritionists talking about the way they tailor diet recommendations to clients based on whether the client is an “abstainer” or a “moderator.” Apparently, the idea is not new. It has been around for more than a decade and was made popular by Gretchen Rubin, the author of multiple New York Times bestsellers including The Happiness Project. Gretchen explains the two traits through a simple questionnaire:
You’re a moderator if you…
Is it possible that these two categories could help couples navigate times of abstinence while using NFP? My experience as an instructor suggests that this might sometimes be a very valuable key for easing abstinence tensions for couples.
Take, for example, a couple whom I will call Kelsey and Keith.*
Christina has been an NFP instructor in the Boston Cross Check Method since 2013. She is on a mission to change conversations about body literacy and NFP within the Catholic Church, through innovative lifelong body literacy programming and support... plus apparently this blog.