 Yet again, another Facebook group I'm part of has descended into the depths of agony known as "The Grave Reasons Debate."
For those who are not yet initiated, let me sum up: Someone says, "Does the Church say you can only use NFP for grave reasons?" A number of folks chime in to say, "Technically that word was used in some translations, but it comes from the Latin and Italian, where grave has a different connotation. In English, the Church is now favoring words like serious reasons, or just cause." Then everyone's Facebook avatar heads explode because they think sOmEonE iS wRoNG oN thE iNtErNeT Conversation takes a nasty turn as everyone now debates whether or not NFP is just "Catholic birth control" and if you can use it with a "contraceptive mentality." I just... don't have time for this anymore. I address this directly in my NFP Masterclass and NFP Ambassador Training videos because it is important to know the answers to these objections. It is important for Catholics to be well-versed in what the Church teaches, and to understand the implications for how they apply NFP in their own lives. Discernment is important. Being able to extricate discernment about NFP use from what JPII calls "selfish reasons" is important. So if you really want to to think about that topic, here's a fabulous article by Kevin Miller, PhD, that you should read. Have fun. What I want to talk about today is actually the virtue of magnanimity and how I think it is so absolutely crucial to understand this virtue in order to be able to converse with with each other respectfully about NFP.
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 Yesterday, I responded to an email question which expressed a common issue couples may face when using Natural Family Planning: the possibility of a fertile honeymoon and wedding night. If a couple has serious need to postpone pregnancy, this may mean abstaining for a while when they first get married. And let's face it: that idea is no fun.
So I talked about how lack of sex doesn't make a marriage invalid, in case that's a concern. Today, I'm going to offer some resources and tips for praying about and navigating the question of abstinence during the honeymoon. RESOURCES When it comes to particular devotions, habits, or other resources to help couples pray together through difficult times, I sort of feel like the best method is to fling spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. In other words: what works really well for one couple is not going to work well for another, so as the resident "resource person" my approach is to give you various ideas and let you sort out which ones are meaningful for you. This means that if any of these suggestions is clearly not helpful, you not only have my permission but you also have my wholehearted blessing to ignore it! Now, let's fling some spaghetti:  One of the concepts I’ve been wrestling with lately is how to assist couples who find the abstinence of NFP to be an impediment to their relationship. It’s no great secret that married people want to have sex with each other. And it’s a common criticism that NFP methods are a bad form of family planning because they rely on abstinence– which, by the way, is not very “natural.” I hear and understand and even appreciate these criticisms, because they challenge us in the NFP world to be honest with ourselves and with our clients. Without being heavy-handed about it, I try to prepare my engaged clients for the fact that abstinence within marriage can be harder than abstinence prior to marriage. If they choose to abstain from sex before marriage, they have effectively drawn an invisible barrier which they both promise not to cross, or to even approach too closely. But within marriage, this dynamic shifts– so I coach my couples that they will need to be intentional about communicating with one another early on in their marriage, as they discover new things about how they relate to each other sexually, and where those shifting boundaries may now be.
So I was struck recently when I heard a few nutritionists talking about the way they tailor diet recommendations to clients based on whether the client is an “abstainer” or a “moderator.” Apparently, the idea is not new. It has been around for more than a decade and was made popular by Gretchen Rubin, the author of multiple New York Times bestsellers including The Happiness Project. Gretchen explains the two traits through a simple questionnaire: You’re a moderator if you…
Is it possible that these two categories could help couples navigate times of abstinence while using NFP? My experience as an instructor suggests that this might sometimes be a very valuable key for easing abstinence tensions for couples. Take, for example, a couple whom I will call Kelsey and Keith.* |
AuthorChristina has been an NFP instructor in the Boston Cross Check Method since 2013. She is on a mission to change conversations about body literacy and NFP within the Catholic Church, through innovative lifelong body literacy programming and support... plus apparently this blog. Archives
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